Grief Process

Dealing with the Holidays

Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Quanza, Halloween, Valentines, Mother's Day, Father's Day and the list goes on and on!

Holiday times often represent milestones for most families. Traditions that have been established in the family dynamic become important and unique to the child as well as the adults. When there is a death of someone who has been part of the holiday traditions, it will impact how those traditions are carried out now and in the future.

Author Helen Fitzgerald in her book The Mourning Handbook refers to "grief attacks" around holiday celebrations. What is often most dreaded about the holidays is that are suppose to be "normal happy family gathers which may turn into painful reminders of your loss."(p.107)

As much as a grieving family would like to SKIP any and all celebrations, our culture, faith and other family members will not let them go away. Many families at Hope & Healing Place have reported that the actual holiday is not as painful as the months, weeks or day leading up to it. The following suggestions may be helpful:

  • Prior to a holiday have a family meeting.
  • Discuss what you have done in the past, what's important to each family member and what you would like to do this year.
  • Let the children say what is important to them. You are preparing them that this year will be different.
  • Financial considerations are also important to let children know if there are limitations. This does not need to burden the child but you want to set realistic expectations.
  • Some families go away for the holiday….just being able to do something completely different may ease the pain; however, children often will want to return to the "way it was" the next year. Be prepared for next year by developing a plan.
  • Avoid absolutes…."We will never have a Christmas Tree Again" the remaining child or children may feel guilty for looking forward to the tree.
  • Bring a memory or memories of the person who died into the celebration….that person's legacy is important and is part of the family.
  • The holiday is about the family and its traditions. Missing/yearning for "how it used to be" is normal.
  • During faith experiences, it may be good to light a candle as a way of acknowledging the person who died.
  • You have a right to say "no" if you and your children do not want to do something. Set the boundaries.